White Claws in the Wild

Being single in LA is a lot like being in the animal kingdom.

You walk into The Bungalow in Santa Monica and see the vultures.

The men that stand near the woman’s bathroom and swoop in after they’ve washed their hands.

They’re found typically with scruff and probably in their mid-30’s.

You have a simple conversation and then you may give them your number.

You get a text at 2:00 am:

“You up?”

Then you see the wolves, the professionally sculpted men, who walk around with their head high.

They come here every week and observe.

They stand there like each girl is their eye candy and they’re simply a shopper.

Good thing The Bungalow is a candy store.

Then you see the hyenas. A hyena works at Hulu or Apple or any tech company.

They will come over to you and talk to you while you look for a reason to gravitate towards your friends. But then they offer a free drink and you say yes.

My friend met a hyena last weekend and he was kicked out for being creepy. Then, somehow, he finally waltzed right back in and stood at the same spot, preying for another girl.

Then you get to the monkeys. Found in their natural habitats most likely stuttering, “Saturday’s are for the boys,” attention is what fuels these specimens.

Most likely found with a White Claw or drinking whiskey straight. Most likely found standing on an elevated platform.

They laugh as beer drips from their mouths onto their wife beater, almost staining their multi-colored shorts. Don’t dare step on their moccasins or their CEO dad will surely sue you.

These monkeys clap and smile, but they’re only there for the banter.

Utter one serious word to them and they’re feeding you Moscow Mules.

Approach them with a Truly and they may look the other direction.

Then you see the peacocks, wandering around with a sense of awe. Most of the time, the peacock will ask you for directions to the best restaurant in Los Angeles or what time the bar closes.

“The bar closes at 1:30 AM. What? What do people do after?”

You’ll laugh and tell them there are after parties but those are for girls baited there by hyenas or vultures or guys that own a boat.

They most likely make plans with you to “see more of LA” and you’ll cancel in the morning when you come to the realization you’ve made those plans.

Then, there are the pandas.

Dragged there by their friends, they still look excited to get out of their parents house for a night out on the town.

They may use a pick-up line they found on some app to try and woo you. You’ll smile and fake laugh. Their collar is popped because their mom thought it added pizzazz.

But they are the nice guys. They are the butt of the jokes of the monkeys, and are good prey for the vultures. They move around and mingle, but they are harmless.

They may even offer to buy you dinner sometime and you may even say yes.

Dating is a zoo. It’s going through all types of animals to find your favorite breed. Everyone is their own unique beast, even if they’re a monkey or a panda. As you’re meandering through this jungle, you have to keep your belongings in your purse. Be careful or else you may get hurt.

But there’s nothing wrong with stepping foot into the wild. If you don’t, you never know what you can find.

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