How’s your love life?
I know nobody asked but….
Mine is a work-in-progress.
I’ve learned so much about myself through dating and through not dating.
Through not dating I’ve learned that I am the shit, through dating I have learned that unfortunately, my shit does stink like everyone else’s.
So here are 10 mistakes that I make in dating that I’ve realized through countless therapy sessions and some pretty heavy meditation.
- I go for the pretty boys
Chad is so cute. His defined collar bone, his broad shoulders, his beautifully crafted biceps, but Chad showed up to the date high off cocaine, which he admitted about an hour into the date. My biggest mistake was asking Chad where he worked. He blabbered on for about an hour. We left the bar and he said, want to come back with me? I said no.
2. I sometimes say yes at the end of the date
We walked around Long Beach and he took me to a fancy Thai restaurant. It was conveniently across the street from his apartment. Want to go back to my apartment? He was such a nice guy. Sure. I’m just going to go and check it out. My group chat lit up with: don’t go, don’t do it. Your not gonna do it girl, your not gonna do it. I did it.
3. I go to the guy, instead of him coming to me
Unfortunately, I went to Koreatown. Even more unfortunate, the guy was 45 minutes late. He locked himself out of his apartment. His roommate had his key. Once his roommate arrived, he did not indeed save the day. The ramen place he picked with “Slurpin” in the title had probably the worst ramen I had ever tasted. The lack of intellectual conversation really nailed it in the coffin and I drove back to Hermosa Beach hungry.
4. I let the guy dictate the date
I knocked on the door to what I thought looked a little too big to be a studio apartment, and Thad answered, behind him his 4 roommates. This frat house for boys in their mid-twenties proved to be just as charming as Thad’s proposal that we skip our date and go to a party with his friends. It was a birthday party. It was space themed. I was wearing a sundress.
5. I went out with a guy who just broke up with his girlfriend
This is the new Kayla, he said to his roommate. I shivered, realized he meant his ex-girlfriend, and walked into his apartment. We broke it off and then he hit me up 3 months later and wanted to be “casual.”
6. I said that I was open to “casual”
I forgot my swimsuit. It was our third date, well if you count it in societies’ standards it was our second. I wanted to make it special by going up to my rooftop hot tub. He forgot his swimsuit.
7. I didn’t disclose that I don’t really drink
We met at a dim lit bar in Silverlake. Holding the straw in my mouth, I told him I just recently have tried to stop drinking heavily since I graduated college. You should call your Uber, he said. I walked out and realized he was about a foot shorter than me. I am 5’0’’.
8. I bought a guy a gift too soon
Cruising through Santee Alley, I spotted a Nirvana shirt in a pile of clothing. He loves Nirvana. By the 7th date, I thought the shirt would be a sweet gesture. That day, he broke it off. I still have the damn t-shirt.
I know you might not listen to me, because hell I have such a lack of authority here. But here are my mistakes and my thoughts for you guys to take as you please.
My advice to all the single people out there, just wait. When you find a guy or girl you like, go slow and steady in not only your actions, but in your mind. Time will either make it work or fizzle it out.
But please, do not, EVER, under any circumstance, talk to your grandmother about a boy before you are even official.
Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.